The Last of the Real New Yorkers

The Homofication of New York

2006-06-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

When I got on the M104 in Whitemanhattan this morning and about twenty motherfucking white, faggot-artist-looking, "rebellious" types - the flip-flop wearing, guilty rich college kids who only listen to bands who have names that begin with the word "The," motherfuckers who would suck each others dicks so they could prove they weren't homophobes even though nobody was fucking saying that they were in the first place, I was thinking that I was going to write a post about the different things that piss me off about the white Ross and Chandler jerkoffs that are slowly infecting every single motherfucking space of this big city, and how much this city is changing. But instead, I've decided to be very specific about the way this city is changing: it's becoming motherfucking Homo. Now I don't mean homo in no 'damn I can't walk two feet south of Houston street without some prick grilling my dick bulging through my Nike shorts' way but in that this city is becoming fucking silly, soft, pussy, whatever the fuck you want to say, gay in the way little kids sitting on the stoop laugh and say 'damn, that shit's gay' when Kareem shows up with rollerskates when all the other kids have low rider bikes or when Joey rather hang out with his bitch than run a fullcourt with his boys so they gotta go watch Nacho Libre - that shit is straight up gay.

Lemme clarify for you dumb motherfuckers. Imma use two different movies to illustrate the difference between Gay and gay.

The difference between this shit is so motherfucking obvious that I feel like I'm gonna throw up just looking at that shit on the left. That shit is Gay X 200, goddamn it. That shit make Brokeback Mountain look like a motherfucking tough Robert Duvall and Clint Eastwood movie where they are running up on some Indians, cracking they .45s and busting Sitting Bear's fucking head right open all and leaving his brains all over his teepee, then fingering his hot Native American bitch's pussy, played by motherfucking Salma Hayek. Some manly shit. And 'Eating Out?' I bet motherfucking Richard Simmons, Elton John, Jake Gylenhaal and the whole motherfucking staff of Gay Anal-Sex With Hairy, Sweaty, Muscular Homosexual Greek Men Films Production Company in the gayest motherfucking section of the gayest city in California on the gayest day of the year couldn't have thought of a gayer or more disgusting fucking name for a movie than that shit, besides "Sucking Greasy Dick." That shit is G-A-Y. Now Daredevil, on the other hand, if you and your boys went to go sit through that shit at the movies, and paid the 12 dollars in Manhattan or 4 dollars in the Mexican hood for this fucking trash, one of you is gonna, without fucking question, say twenty minutes into watching Ben Affleck pretending he has a motherfucking career, 'Man, this some gay shit,' and start talking on your phone to your bitch and walk the fuck out. In other words, this shit fucking sucks.

But Im'ma get back to my motherfucking point. The point is, New York City is becoming gay. Daredevil gay. So lemme introduce the signs of:

As I said, I got on the bus this morning. That brings me to my first point. A lot of why New York City is becoming straight up fucking gay has a lot to do with how it fucking looks. So lemme show you these photos here. For those motherfuckers who have been in New York for a while, or even live in this city currently, you may recognize this motherfucking vehicle:

It's a normal fucking bus. This shit may be ten years old. They had these shits around back before my mother was pushing my ass around in a stroller to go to C-Town on Main Street. For most of you this shit is second nature. It's a normal bus. It looks like a motherfucking bus. It does what a bus does. It transports motherfuckers who don't feel like being crushed under waves of white jerkoffs at rush hour on the subway during the fucking summer, motherfucking caucazoid people who don't want to be 45 seconds late for the opening of Starbucks. I like sitting in the back and looking at breezies in their seethrough summer dresses, in the air conditioning. I don't give a fuck if it takes an hour - the bus gets me where I need to go. Here's another bus.

Eyo, you may axe, why the fuck am I showing you pictures of buses? Lemme say this. Pictured above is what a motherfucking bus is supposed to look like. This thing may be a little newer, but on first glance one would say to himself, "That, my good man, is a bus, and I am sure it does as a bus should do, namely, transport motherfuckers." So what if it's got a little curves on it. This ain't the fucking 80s no more, the MTA's got to get with the times. But recently, in 2004, the city unleashed a new line of "Hybrid" buses - an electric or some shit bus designed to save energy so guilty rich white college motherfuckers don't feel so bad about causing global warming and hurting starving African children - because we all know starving African children are gonna stop starving if we stop motherfucking global warming. Anyways, the first time I seen this new motherfucking Hybrid bus, I said, this does not look like a bus is supposed to look. Take one look at this shit and you know something is wrong with the motherfucker. Tell me I'm wrong, motherfuckers.

Those big motherfucking windows, that big motherfucking lump on the roof. Maybe this is a bad example. Unless you've seen these things in person, you ain't gonna stop and go, man, that bus look like it's motherfucking mom was addicted to motherfucking crack or alcohol and got fucked by one of those motherfuckers from the Hills have Eyes. Now I'm not gonna put up a picture of some little prick with down syndrome because that's bad karma. But Im'ma put this picture up. But if you're in New York, and you see a motherfucking vehicle that makes you stop and go, GOD DAMN, THAT SHIT LOOKS FUCKING RETARDED, you're probably looking at that bus that I'm describing. That's what I'm talking about when I say this city is becoming straight homo. How are we supposed to live up to our legacy of being home to fucking John Gotti, Juelz Santana, motherfucking Biggie Smalls, being the birthplace of hip hop and the American mafia, being one of the toughest places to be from if we got vehicles that look like they're some retarded Nepalese kid adopted by and driven by some 22 year old white college communist dyke who doesn't shave her legs and pits and eats motherfucking tofu three times a day? Fuck! That shit gay!

And more on the Homofication of New York. I'm no friend of the police. That goes without saying, motherfuckers. But lemme show you pictures of their vehicles over the years. For you fucks who have been here before 2000, you should recognize this shit.

Goddamn right it's iconic. This is the police vehicle of motherfucking fame. So many movies and TV shows show these motherfucking bad motherfuckers beating up minorities. This is classic NYC. It was almost one of the symbols just like a giant fucking apple. This shit made motherfuckers, from blacks to eses to Italians on the block respect and fear that shit when it showed up. This is the NYPD that clipped Amadou 41 times and looked like motherfucking Hollywood while doing it. This lived up to the name Boys in Blue, the NYPD, the world's biggest fucking street gang. Then they dropped this shit in 2000.

Then this:

Shit look like it's driven by a 40 year old Asian woman named Sarah Chang, motherfucker. It's a little gay, and I wouldn't be scared of this shit. It's still a little menacing, you dig, but I'd only get out the way of this shit so I don't got no Chinese bitch calling my house every day to make sure I'm up on the insurance racket and Im'ma get that penny sized scuff out her paint that only she can fucking see with her super Asian cheapo vision. Fuck that. Who the fuck buys impalas anymore? Fucking gay people and white bitches, that's who. Motherfucking gay. I seen the new car that the police are using now, that shit looks like they trying to save the environment while beating on minorities- what a motherfucking bonus.

To show you one last photo of how New York is becoming gay, Imma leave you with this picture of these new motherfucking taxis that are finding they way onto the streets of Whitemanhattan. I'm not even gonna write more than one word on the picture with my cheap photoshop rip off, you dig.

We All Know You Ain't Originally from Brooklyn, Asshole

2006-06-09T10:43:00.000-04:00

So, gentrification is redefining a lot of our neighborhoods. For those ignorant motherfuckers who don't know, gentrification happens when rich ex-suburbanite white kids who are just aching to be down with the bad-ass colored motherfuckers that they see on the television doing cool, exciting, minority shit that Chad can't normally do in Whiteville, CT, e.g., like sitting on a stoop in a wife beater, getting your ass beat for looking at some big guido's orange girlfriend, and not being able to afford air conditioning during 104 degree weather in some stinking, rotting, humid city. And apparently, since having your own room in New Hampshire where you can do all kinds of young white people shit, like writing poetry, painting pictures of your deepest, opressed emotions about being a victim of this evil capitalist regime, and not getting robbed, in a gigantic fucking mansion on a tree lined dale with a gigantic fucking backyard, a pool, and a fuckin' basketball court, is apparently BORING to Chad and all his circle jerk Abercrombie fag pals, Tad and Brian, and he wants to know what it would be like having at least one minority friend so he can prove his mean, imposing parents wrong about their evil conformist ideas, he'll take his daddy's paycheck and rent a stupid fucking 'loft,' (i.e., a white person's retarded version of an apartment in this said white person's never ending quest to be 'hip;' that is, NOT WHITE) for $4,700 fuckin' bucks a month, in some slum in Brooklyn. Which is ironic to me. Cuz Brooklyn ain't cool no more for the reason that white people think it's 'hip'. It can't be cool, because pussy whitebread trustafarian fucks that live in Brooklyn because they want to be fucking cool to deal with their guilt at growing up in some fucking villa in Colorado and getting routinely picked on by the local highschool football players, make it the least fucking cool place on earth. Just cuz they got 20 story buildings around doesn't make a rich ass white neighborhood with fuckers in tweed blazers sipping coffee and jerking off to anti-Bush poetry, a "'hood." And who the fuck does this (pictured above) ass fucker think he is? Does he think he's making some statement by wearing Elton John glasses that make Elton John look like Juelz Santana and weighing 80 fucking pounds? Asshole, you're living off your daddy's paycheck, go eat something, like some goddamn 12 dollar plates of tofu at your local WHOleMO Food Boutique, you dick fiend.

And I bet you love the diversity of the native barbarian dark-skinned folk too, huh, I bet you're really happy to get away from your 100% white Wisconsin gated community and expanding your borders by being surrounded by all the "diversity" in your newly gentrified neighborhood, with all, one, two, three... seven minorities that can still afford to live there with you, you trustafarian faggot 'artiste'. Here's the diversity of your neighborhood after motherfucking whitebreads like you move in. And you're standing in front of graffiti. Wow, you're, like, so fuckin' "gritty" now, aren't you, Chad? Motherfucker, you couldn't get within 500 feet of the person who probably threw that shit up on the wall fifteen years ago when Red Hook used to be a gritty neighborhood without getting your fucking courdoroys ripped right off your chicken legs 'cause those motherfuckers robbing you don't even see the point in demanding you to empty your pockets when they could just save 5 seconds and the unpleasantness of the smell of you shitting your tightie whities when they could just toss your featherweight ass on the curb and bankrupt your daddy right there. I'll tell you what would be hip. You want to be nonconformist? The most nonconformist thing I could do would be to crack your fucking head with a Louisville slugger. Armed robbery is fucking hip. If guys like that were running around Brooklyn still, then it'd be fucking cool. Fucking prick.

But for those who aren't sure yet about gentrification, cuz it can be in some cases a slow process, like in Jamaica Queens, which is too fuckin' far from Whitemanhattan for white bitches to play Sex and the City in, let me give you the top 10 telltale signs that your neighborhood is going to hell and that you should get the fuck out and move to Newark, NJ.

The Top 5 Signs your neighborhood is getting gentrified:

5. You see any of the following animals walking around on your block.

There was a time when the only dogs on my block were German shepards and dobermans to keep the esés from stealing my car radio or my goddamn hupcaps two days after we replaced the fucking things. If we saw some motherfucker walking around with a dog like one of these fucking toy puppies, all the mothers on the block would tell their kids that that motherfucker had AIDS. Besides, if you had some fucking fag looking puppy named Frodo padding around, the stick up kids knew you were either a bitch, or you had money to keep that animals hair in a perm and his coat shiny as an Italian's face. Either way, robbery was in order, and your 9 pound Cockalouverre French Breed ain't gonna save you. As for seeing little blond kids walking around 145th and Lennox, like I did the other day? What. The. Fuck. Keep that little jerk on a leash.

4. You see any of the following footwear:

"Flipflops," salvation army converses, and, uh, anything whitebread bands whose name begins with the word "The" wear, like these jerkoffs The Strokes right here. Flipflops wouldn't be so bad if they weren't fuckin called some gay Northern California shit like flipflops. Old spanish and chinese bitches used to wear them on my block (we called them "slippers") because they were cheap and they didn't want to fuck up their floors in their APARTMENTS (NOT "LOFTS") so they didn't have to pay nothing for a Mexican wipedown and so they could throw them on quickly to come out on the stoop and yell at their kids to come the fuck in when the streetlights went on. But when motherfucking white boys start wearing these shits on concrete, exposing their veiny, hairy feet cuz they "liberal" enough to be secure with their sexuality, shit's gone too far.

3. You see any of the following haircuts:

There was a time when motherfuckers didn't want to prance around Bushwick looking like a thirteen year old self-cutting lesbians with haircuts that make that fat dyke Kelly Osbourne look hard, with homosexual-poet three pound glasses because they didn't really feel like getting fucked in an alley by a band of brothers that just got off the bus coming from upstate. I'm sure you'd love that shit too- you're all into experiencing the "struggle of the minorities. You ain't being rebellious, pal. Nor are you being rebellious for living in an urban area, fag. You paying $4,500 a month for an apartment in one of the biggest centers of capitalism in the white world - you ain't being rebellious, if all you white kids look exactly the same - like unshaven lesbian teenage girls who are getting back at their mommies for grounding them. Nor are you being hip for wearing a Jewfro, dick. As I said, if you want to be different, stomp some ex-Coloradoan's face, go to prison, get your head shaved, and become a convict. That's the ultimate rebellion.

2. Starbucks, Jamba Juice, or fucking Whole Foods.

Enough said. No motherfucker who wasn't white would be stupid enough to pay 13 dollars for a fucking smoothie, or eat tofu, straight up. We used to go to the bodega to get a motherfucking sandwich and some fritos for the same price as these white bitches are paying for a cup of Fagaccino and a poetry reading off of Bradley's iMacPodPoweriBookiLove2suckDick. Good thing is, instead of Korean bitches grilling you when you walk through the aisle of the corner store looking for some shit to eat, it doesn't matter what color you are, if you look like you make less than $80,000 a year, like most 22 year old white fuckers in Manhattan do, those Bravo Channel home remodeling show rejects that work behind the counter are gonna shoot you some icy glares, and it don't mean they want to toss your salad either.

1. If you don't see where all this is leading, you must have worn a bicycle helmet to class in elementary school. The leading sign that gentrification is happening in your neighborhood:

Once you see one, then the others will know that its cool for white people to walk around a certain neighborhood without getting shanked or shook down. Then you'll start to see motherfucking condos go up, motherfucking cameras to keep the low class motherfuckers on lock down, motherfucking starbucks, motherfucking 12 dollar plates of food, and a whole lot more motherfucking white people then should be allowed outside of Ohio. Fuck that shit.

There you have it. Defend the streets, remove the gentrifiers. DSRG, throw that shit up on to the cornerstore wall.

By the way, scientology.

Sex and the City, 1982

2006-06-09T10:41:00.000-04:00

It seems to me that a lot of people at my university love the show Sex and the City. Why? Because I go to college. And who goes to college? Rich insecure white girls (and some rich, pink-shirt, flip-flop wearing white New Jersey jerkoffs who pretend to like the show so they can fuck said white bitches). So for you people who know less than I do, for all I know, "Sex and the City" is about some middle aged white women that go around and get fucked by every prick they meet on Broadway in their Manhattan apartments that they're probably paying $5,600 a fucking month for. I know this because two years ago I tried to sit through a single episode of this garbage before the Sopranos came on and left after two minutes to take a nap because this fucking show was pretty much as I described it.

All I remember from that episode is one of those old bitches said something about how great and how 'real' New York City is. I did a little research, and came across this exact quote pasted on some white girls facebook profile, because, next to fucking glue-ing their cell phones to the side of their heads, white girls can't seem to stop quoting Sex and the City. Tell me I'm wrong, you fucks.

Samantha: "I'm always surprised when anyone leaves New York. I mean, where do they go?"
Miranda: "The real world?"
Samantha: "A homeless man showed me his dick on the way here. It doesn't get any realer than that."

Now I didn't know which one is Samantha and which one is Miranda nor would I give a flying fuck if they both got run over by the goddamn F train on a Sunday morning. But a quick Google image and Wikipedia search tells me everything I need to know. Now the one who makes this pretentious fucking statement about how 'real' New York is is Samantha. Samantha is played by some bitch named Kim Cattrall.

And of course, Kim Cattrall isn't even originally from New York. She's a fucking "Anglo-Canadian." What fucking 16 year old politically correct cock-holster came up with a retarded label for some bullshit ethnicity like that? And she's like, seventy-six years old. She's too old to be making stupid fucking statements like how 'real' New York City is in the year 2006 and to be running around New York City with her pussy showing, because if she was a real New Yorker who's been around that long she would've lived through the 70's and the 80's in this city, when she would've gotten fucking owned for being a whore, rich, a whore, blonde, white, and a whore. She probably wouldn't have liked it so much back in 1978. Because if Kim Cat-whateverthefuck-rel thinks some homeless prick whipping out his dick, and probably getting an instantaneous beat down by three hundred of Bloomberg's boys for harassing a white woman in the gated community Disneyland that is Manhattan right now, is 'real,' if she had been hanging around New York City during the 70's and 80's she'd either never leave the fucking house or be begging to go back to whatever unreal fuckin' tea-drinking, faggot-smoking, bacon-eating, free-health-care-having place she came from.

So I came up with an idea. What if Sex and the City took place in 1982? Here's a storyboard.

I'm pretty sure this is how every fucking episode of Sex and the City starts. This actually isn't so bad. If I was some Mexican fuck working to make this fucking city run smoothly for the rich white cunts that parade around in Prada shoes and those big goddamned sunglasses that cover half their faces, I wouldn't mind some gratitude delivered in a four way blowjob. Of course, it doesn't matter who asked the above question, but for now we can assume it was Samantha. And of course, because the other three bitches are all about women's liberation and Sex and the City is all about proud, independent women livin' single in the big ole' city, they're all down for some greasing of the brown axle.

Okay, so our four heroins start walking to the grocery store, and the camera is on them in a frontal direction, so they're all sexy and shit and the wind blows their hair and shit. Of course, they're not dressed like it's 1982, but I ain't spending anymore time photoshopping some dykes from a show I've only watched two fucking minutes of. Note that the background city is very much like it was in 1982. In other words, that there wouldn't be four mildly attractive white women walking around without a piece or a big fucking guido or homeboy pimp in a pinstripe suit, had I not slapped their asses onto the picture using some shitty, free photoshop rip off.

So anyways, one of these cunts is gonna run into some shmuck, whether one of them knew this fuck from a while back, or had fucked him, or had thought he was cute at some fucking boutique (did they even have boutiques in 1982? more like crackhouses), and some drama is gonna start.

But the thing is, unlike Sex and the City 2006, Sex and the City 1982 doesn't haven't guys like this just walking around on the streets of Manhattan:

WRONG. The best looking white guy in New York City in 1982 was probably Woody Allen. Everyone else probably looked like a coked-out Bob Ross. You find me any fucker this good looking hanging around in 1982, let alone in 2006, just walking along the street in Manhattan, and I'll give you ten fucking dollars.

In Sex and the City 1982, the prick that comes up to those four fine ladies is probably gonna look more like this asshole:

CORRECT, motherfuckers. This guy will probably be a little more hardcore than Samantha thought was "real" when that pussy homo only showed her his penis. This fuck means what he says about eating labia. And maybe Samantha and her gang of dykes will agree to this shmuck's offer and take him back to their massive apartment that they're paying $350 a month for, or maybe they'll tell him to go fuck himself. Either way, this jerkoff means business, and in 1982, Bloomberg's boys ain't in ready supply. And thus the conclusion to our episode.

So there you have it, an entire episode of Sex in the City, 1982, in it's totality of 3 minutes and 13 seconds. I can't say that I wouldn't want to watch this shit. It might make for some fucking entertaining television. NYC doesn't get any more real than that! LOL! Fuck Kim Catrell and Sex and the City, and all their pretentious fucking comments about how great a city this is when they all grew up on fucking Conneticut farms. Well, there go my chances with any white broads.