We All Know You Ain't Originally from Brooklyn, Asshole

So, gentrification is redefining a lot of our neighborhoods. For those ignorant motherfuckers who don't know, gentrification happens when rich ex-suburbanite white kids who are just aching to be down with the bad-ass colored motherfuckers that they see on the television doing cool, exciting, minority shit that Chad can't normally do in Whiteville, CT, e.g., like sitting on a stoop in a wife beater, getting your ass beat for looking at some big guido's orange girlfriend, and not being able to afford air conditioning during 104 degree weather in some stinking, rotting, humid city. And apparently, since having your own room in New Hampshire where you can do all kinds of young white people shit, like writing poetry, painting pictures of your deepest, opressed emotions about being a victim of this evil capitalist regime, and not getting robbed, in a gigantic fucking mansion on a tree lined dale with a gigantic fucking backyard, a pool, and a fuckin' basketball court, is apparently BORING to Chad and all his circle jerk Abercrombie fag pals, Tad and Brian, and he wants to know what it would be like having at least one minority friend so he can prove his mean, imposing parents wrong about their evil conformist ideas, he'll take his daddy's paycheck and rent a stupid fucking 'loft,' (i.e., a white person's retarded version of an apartment in this said white person's never ending quest to be 'hip;' that is, NOT WHITE) for $4,700 fuckin' bucks a month, in some slum in Brooklyn. Which is ironic to me. Cuz Brooklyn ain't cool no more for the reason that white people think it's 'hip'. It can't be cool, because pussy whitebread trustafarian fucks that live in Brooklyn because they want to be fucking cool to deal with their guilt at growing up in some fucking villa in Colorado and getting routinely picked on by the local highschool football players, make it the least fucking cool place on earth. Just cuz they got 20 story buildings around doesn't make a rich ass white neighborhood with fuckers in tweed blazers sipping coffee and jerking off to anti-Bush poetry, a "'hood." And who the fuck does this (pictured above) ass fucker think he is? Does he think he's making some statement by wearing Elton John glasses that make Elton John look like Juelz Santana and weighing 80 fucking pounds? Asshole, you're living off your daddy's paycheck, go eat something, like some goddamn 12 dollar plates of tofu at your local WHOleMO Food Boutique, you dick fiend.

And I bet you love the diversity of the native barbarian dark-skinned folk too, huh, I bet you're really happy to get away from your 100% white Wisconsin gated community and expanding your borders by being surrounded by all the "diversity" in your newly gentrified neighborhood, with all, one, two, three... seven minorities that can still afford to live there with you, you trustafarian faggot 'artiste'. Here's the diversity of your neighborhood after motherfucking whitebreads like you move in. And you're standing in front of graffiti. Wow, you're, like, so fuckin' "gritty" now, aren't you, Chad? Motherfucker, you couldn't get within 500 feet of the person who probably threw that shit up on the wall fifteen years ago when Red Hook used to be a gritty neighborhood without getting your fucking courdoroys ripped right off your chicken legs 'cause those motherfuckers robbing you don't even see the point in demanding you to empty your pockets when they could just save 5 seconds and the unpleasantness of the smell of you shitting your tightie whities when they could just toss your featherweight ass on the curb and bankrupt your daddy right there. I'll tell you what would be hip. You want to be nonconformist? The most nonconformist thing I could do would be to crack your fucking head with a Louisville slugger. Armed robbery is fucking hip. If guys like that were running around Brooklyn still, then it'd be fucking cool. Fucking prick.

But for those who aren't sure yet about gentrification, cuz it can be in some cases a slow process, like in Jamaica Queens, which is too fuckin' far from Whitemanhattan for white bitches to play Sex and the City in, let me give you the top 10 telltale signs that your neighborhood is going to hell and that you should get the fuck out and move to Newark, NJ.

The Top 5 Signs your neighborhood is getting gentrified:

5. You see any of the following animals walking around on your block.

There was a time when the only dogs on my block were German shepards and dobermans to keep the esés from stealing my car radio or my goddamn hupcaps two days after we replaced the fucking things. If we saw some motherfucker walking around with a dog like one of these fucking toy puppies, all the mothers on the block would tell their kids that that motherfucker had AIDS. Besides, if you had some fucking fag looking puppy named Frodo padding around, the stick up kids knew you were either a bitch, or you had money to keep that animals hair in a perm and his coat shiny as an Italian's face. Either way, robbery was in order, and your 9 pound Cockalouverre French Breed ain't gonna save you. As for seeing little blond kids walking around 145th and Lennox, like I did the other day? What. The. Fuck. Keep that little jerk on a leash.

4. You see any of the following footwear:

"Flipflops," salvation army converses, and, uh, anything whitebread bands whose name begins with the word "The" wear, like these jerkoffs The Strokes right here. Flipflops wouldn't be so bad if they weren't fuckin called some gay Northern California shit like flipflops. Old spanish and chinese bitches used to wear them on my block (we called them "slippers") because they were cheap and they didn't want to fuck up their floors in their APARTMENTS (NOT "LOFTS") so they didn't have to pay nothing for a Mexican wipedown and so they could throw them on quickly to come out on the stoop and yell at their kids to come the fuck in when the streetlights went on. But when motherfucking white boys start wearing these shits on concrete, exposing their veiny, hairy feet cuz they "liberal" enough to be secure with their sexuality, shit's gone too far.

3. You see any of the following haircuts:

There was a time when motherfuckers didn't want to prance around Bushwick looking like a thirteen year old self-cutting lesbians with haircuts that make that fat dyke Kelly Osbourne look hard, with homosexual-poet three pound glasses because they didn't really feel like getting fucked in an alley by a band of brothers that just got off the bus coming from upstate. I'm sure you'd love that shit too- you're all into experiencing the "struggle of the minorities. You ain't being rebellious, pal. Nor are you being rebellious for living in an urban area, fag. You paying $4,500 a month for an apartment in one of the biggest centers of capitalism in the white world - you ain't being rebellious, if all you white kids look exactly the same - like unshaven lesbian teenage girls who are getting back at their mommies for grounding them. Nor are you being hip for wearing a Jewfro, dick. As I said, if you want to be different, stomp some ex-Coloradoan's face, go to prison, get your head shaved, and become a convict. That's the ultimate rebellion.

2. Starbucks, Jamba Juice, or fucking Whole Foods.

Enough said. No motherfucker who wasn't white would be stupid enough to pay 13 dollars for a fucking smoothie, or eat tofu, straight up. We used to go to the bodega to get a motherfucking sandwich and some fritos for the same price as these white bitches are paying for a cup of Fagaccino and a poetry reading off of Bradley's iMacPodPoweriBookiLove2suckDick. Good thing is, instead of Korean bitches grilling you when you walk through the aisle of the corner store looking for some shit to eat, it doesn't matter what color you are, if you look like you make less than $80,000 a year, like most 22 year old white fuckers in Manhattan do, those Bravo Channel home remodeling show rejects that work behind the counter are gonna shoot you some icy glares, and it don't mean they want to toss your salad either.

1. If you don't see where all this is leading, you must have worn a bicycle helmet to class in elementary school. The leading sign that gentrification is happening in your neighborhood:


Once you see one, then the others will know that its cool for white people to walk around a certain neighborhood without getting shanked or shook down. Then you'll start to see motherfucking condos go up, motherfucking cameras to keep the low class motherfuckers on lock down, motherfucking starbucks, motherfucking 12 dollar plates of food, and a whole lot more motherfucking white people then should be allowed outside of Ohio. Fuck that shit.

There you have it. Defend the streets, remove the gentrifiers. DSRG, throw that shit up on to the cornerstore wall.

By the way, scientology.